Couples Facing Porn Addiction Problem

Best Guide for Couples Facing Porn Addiction Problem

Couples Facing Porn Addiction Problem

I remember the day I moved to James’s (my boyfriend’s) city quite vividly. Mostly, I guess, because it was a big decision for me, one that involved a lot of sacrifices. 

We had been dating long-distance for nearly a year, and despite the 7-hour bus rides and countless weekends spent traveling, things had been pretty good between us. Our love felt worth it. This alone made me make this move. And anyway, I had plans to attend university there eventually, so I chose to move a year earlier, switching to online classes just to be closer to him.

From the beginning, our relationship was filled with little moments of affection. I was the girlfriend who would jump into his arms the moment he walked through the door ( Yeah, I am one hopeless romantic!). I showered him with love and attention, always making sure he felt cherished. I made Valentine’s Day cards, doodled cute cartoons of our memories, and was always available for him mentally, emotionally, and physically. Our intimacy felt great. 

But when I moved in, things started to change. It wasn’t long before I noticed a shift in our sex life. James, who had always been eager, began to turn me down frequently. He rarely initiated anything, and even when we were intimate, it felt off. I remember the first time he got soft during sex or the times, he finished too quickly and didn’t seem to care about my needs. It hurt, but I tried to brush it off.

Then, I found the tissues. Wet tissues in our trash that I knew weren’t mine. It became clear that James was masturbating a lot more than we were having sex. I was shocked. For some time, I didn’t know how to react to this situation. Should I brush it off, or should I confront him? 

Well, after a lot of thinking, I decided to talk to him. But it didn’t go well. When I confronted him, he brushed it off, laughing and saying his porn use had nothing to do with our issues. He insisted he was just tired, stressed, or that his sex drive was low.

One evening, we were looking at his phone together, and a notification for a downloaded OnlyFans leak popped up. I was devastated. Here was the proof I had been dreading. He didn’t want to have sex with me, but he was actively seeking out porn. The betrayal stung deeply. 

I felt numb. 

James cried and apologized, promising to stop and change. I wanted to believe him, but the hurt and mistrust had already taken root. He tried to assure me that he loved me, that our sex life was “only for love,” whatever that meant. 

But his actions spoke louder than his words. He would spend weekends with me, and as soon as he left, he’d log onto SimpCity or Pornhub. The lies and manipulation continued, and every time I thought he was making progress, I’d find more evidence that he hadn’t changed at all.

Our last major fight was on Halloween. He promised again to quit, swearing he’d stopped for good. But just two days later, he was back to bookmarking porn posts. He lied about it, saying it was his friend using his account, but eventually, he admitted the truth. He had never stopped. Not for a single day. He even logged onto those sites on Valentine’s Day and his birthday, days that should have been about us.

I felt completely broken. My self-esteem was shattered. I had given everything for this relationship—moved cities, changed my life plans, spent money and time—all for someone who preferred virtual fantasies over real intimacy with me. I started questioning my self-worth: was I not good enough? 

James claimed he wanted to stop for real this time. He cried, said he realized how much he was hurting me, and promised to seek help. But after almost 200 days of lies, how could I believe him? He kept saying he loved me, but his actions were driven by selfishness. He admitted that porn was easier because he didn’t have to think about anyone else. This hurt more than anything. 

How could he not see the damage he was causing?

I was trapped, and I was unable to leave or stay happily. So, finally, despite all the shame, I decided to talk to my friend. She advised visiting a therapist. 

And I guess that was the best decision. 

My therapist helped me prioritize myself. She made me understand the importance of self-worth. She made me see that though sometimes we may love someone with all honesty and may want to stay and help them improve, the efforts should never be one-sided. And that resonated hard with me. 

So, I had THE BIG TALK with James. I told him I was going to take a break from this relationship. And only if he was able to break free and get over it will I ever consider giving the US a chance. ‘

I told him that I would still be present as a friend. I really want to help him. So, if he needed a friend to stand with him while he fought his addiction, I’ll be there. 

But not over my mental and emotional peace.  

Today, as I write this, James and I are still friends. He is really working on his addiction, taking counseling, and recovery journey. 

As for me well, my self-esteem has improved a lot. I still love James, but for now, I am going to concentrate on my career and help him whenever he needs me. 

And as for anyone reading this, if you are in a similar situation, remember: you are not alone. Seek help, communicate, and never lose sight of your self-worth. It’s important to be present for your partner in their worst phase, yet the efforts should always be on both sides. Both partners need to work together, communicating openly and supporting each other.

Moreover, only when you have your mental peace together can you really help others. So, first, work on that. 

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Morgan Schmidt

Morgan Schmidt, LPC, a Yale University graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Psychology, specializes in addiction treatment and is a licensed professional counselor. His practice as a therapist is informed by both his academic background and hands-on experience in the field. In addition to his therapeutic work, Morgan is also an active writer, sharing his knowledge on psychological and addiction topics, thereby reaching and educating a broader audience.