What I want to say about porn addiction…
I am a porn addict. Oh no, I am not giving you the impression of the support group session here. The sentence that I wrote saying I am an addict was a part of my identity and personality. I wasted many years being an addict. An addiction that is still a hush-hush factor in many ways. I didn’t even know if it was a disorder or a disease or an addiction. Let me take you through my journey.
Please note that the names that are mentioned in the story have been purposely changed considering the privacy of the individuals.
I want to share my journey with you all now…
Recollecting the pieces of my life:
Being 30, married, completing my postgraduate degree, and having an incredible career in a reputable company, I have fought my pornography addiction for over a decade now.
However, due to my judgment to look at pornography as a young man, excessive pain and struggle have threatened my life and occasionally drowned everything essential to me. Knowing what I understand now, I would have made diverse choices.
Nevertheless, with professional therapy, various addiction healing programs, personal accountability, and the tenderness of family and friends, I have still been able to find joy and meaning despite the challenges that pornography addiction has learned in my life.
I am conveying my tale, hoping that it will help parents better comprehend what their kids are up against and give expectancy to anyone in a situation identical to mine. As my travel toward recovery advanced, I designed a strategy that works for me, and I consider it could be valuable for others; I have summarized it at the end of this article.
My life as a young teenager
I was grown up with loving parents and siblings. Regardless, I became thoroughly addicted to pornography at about age 16. My interest in sexuality began much before.
At the age of 10, I remember stealing advertisements for women’s undergarments from the newspaper ads from my neighbor’s house each week and hiding them under my bed.
When no one was around, I would raise the bed and check the pictures of these women. As a seven-year-old child, I had not thought about what I was doing, but I felt provoked, and it was an enthusiastic feeling I had never felt before.
Later, when I was 12, my family and I repositioned to Los Angeles. On one occasion, while getting familiarized in our new city, my parents took the entire family down to the clubs and witnessed the nightlife. The venture was overwhelming, and the sexual advertisements that surrounded me extended my curiosity.
Watching porn for the first time !
At about age 14, I was part of a theatre group, and I had to use a computer program at home to learn my roles for each segment. There were a lot of components to learn, and I was anxious about having to practice my part independently in front of my educator. I employed the computer program a lot for these causes, my parents let me have the computer in my room sometimes overnight.
At the same time, my friends and acquaintances at the academy were using foul language, motions, and hand signals that I didn’t apprehend. Bewildered, interested, and not wanting to be the stupid one in the group, I logged these terms in my senses. Late at night, in my room, by myself, after my family had gone to rest, I explored these terms on Google and began digging into the planet of hard pornography.
Urge to watch more porn
Although I only remember one awkwardly irritating discussion with my parents about sex, I knew that pornography was toxic and that what I was accomplishing was unsafe.
However, I couldn’t hold my urges. The thrill that artificially improved sexuality delivered was beyond anything I had ever undergone. Despite explaining that my quest was typical and natural because many of my companions viewed identical material, I instantly felt a hidden burden endlessly weighing me down.
My addiction persisted in progressing over the next few years. I began probing other platforms, such as late-night advertisements that showcased censored performances of pornographic DVDs for the deal. I took excessive risks, like viewing pornography while others slept in the same room.
Masturbating became regular for me, with or without pornography. Without understanding approval or real closeness, I started exploring sexual relationships with girls. Regretfully, I treated each sexual meeting as a win to be added to my trophy case rather than a genuine expression of authentic love.
My parents getting to know about my addiction
While observing a late-night pornographic advertisement, my mother walked into the living room late one night. She called my name but didn’t say much else. She asked me to turn off the TV and go to bed, which I did.
After reviewing my web history on the computer in the morning, my parents faced me, and I had no alternative but to reveal everything to them. My parents thrashed and scolded me.
They presented how my porn addiction has affected me badly and that I need to leave it immediately or I must be prepared to confront the devastating consequences. To which I shook blatantly. Only if they knew this would increase my determination, urges, and craftiness to another level.
Escaping behavior from parents
I started behaving very well with my parents, doing homework on time, going to school regularly, participating in sports, and doing whatever made my parents happy and safe from their careful eyes.
But meanwhile, I never gave up on my addiction and knew how to harbor it with privacy and not be reckless. I was enjoying every bit of it. I started reading adult magazines in school toilets and befriending those who were regular watchers of porn, and under the pretext of group study, I went to their houses and watched porn.
And not to forget, I continued my occasional sexual venture with random girls.
Guilt and shame?
As all these endeavors were going well for me, I think of porn and feel shame and regret at moments of contemplation. And one fine day, I thought of giving up. And I achieved it on and off for two distinctive months, but not everyone knew about my trying to leave porn addiction, and thus soon, I slipped into the pit of permanent hell.
My college years
I was 18, youthful and radiant, and fresh to college. I had met my girlfriend a year ago in school. We had goals to marry, and we’re appealing to each other. It was then that the affliction took over. We were not sexually active but slowly started getting close. She doesn’t know about my past experiences.
One day, Sasha questioned me if I watch porn. I told her bluntly that I had not attempted to keep my impression intact. But a girl asking me about porn made me feel like crap, and all my determinations were gone. I could not disclose to her my addiction and how I am trapped in it.
So I asked her why she was asking. She told me she wants to take our relationship to the next level, and she sometimes watches porn. And she wants to watch it with her boyfriend and try out some kinky things. I asked her to send me some links that she would like me to oversee.
When my addiction affected my first love
So, Sasha did as she pledged. She sent me a few links that I unlocked at night after being alone in my room. I could please her with my prior knowledge but was also curious about what she wanted me to see, and I couldn’t even go midway when I closed them off.
But I could not pull off my restrain and gave it another shot in the morning. I watched both the links that Sasha sent me and finished them. I felt awakened beyond imagination, more than in my previous encounters, maybe because it was sent by a girl who was also my girlfriend.
As an adolescent I watched porn almost everyday
I struggled to keep up with the fast pace of college and found myself crushed by the workload and disabled by the stress to stay on top. Soon, I started skipping classes and skipping significant deadlines, substituting my responsibilities with porn and video games instead.
So, once again, I began watching porn every day, numerous times a day. I don’t recall, but I did, and that was what mattered. It seemed like a long haul of time, or maybe, a black void. Honestly, whenever it came to porn, I would fail my sense of duration. I watched it day in, day out. I was living in a college hostel. So, the prospect was never lacking.
Porn obsession begins
I attempted all sorts of porn – MILF, creampie, vintage, anal. My needs were growing by the day. Lone sessions led to threesomes, which led to gang bangs, orgies, etc. Some nights would begin with porn browsing, watching, masturbating, and then I would inspect the clock, which would be 4 in the morning. It was deemed like liquor, and I lost track of time.
I get so unmotivated and anti-social after I masturbate that I stop holding myself responsible. It was more destructive than before. Everything was getting out of hand.
I wouldn’t exit my hostel room for long stretches, like a three-week period in which I did nothing but watch porn.
When I was trapped with Porn
All this occurred in almost one year, or so I think now. All this while, I stopped going entirely to college many times or most of the time. I would not accept Sasha’s calls for days, and I didn’t speak to anyone or do my homework, which wasn’t good. I started falling behind on tasks, and instead of confronting it, I used porn. The more porn I used, the more I didn’t complete my commitments. And finally, I failed the first year of college. That’s when things got what should I call beyond restoration.
When everything fell apart
I lost Sasha as I could not describe where and why I had begun dwelling so lost. The precious girl still texted me now and then and, for some unknown reason, accused herself of my situation though I had not told her about my addiction. I misplaced most of my friends, and only a few stayed, whom you cannot trust. But then, failing in college was something that my parents couldn’t bear, as I had been a very brilliant student all my life.
Try and try again till you succeed
I know how everything seemed unthinkable with losing Sasha, my love. But I was enamored with porn. My parents arrived, and I gave them the narrative of being violently ill now and then for failing the exam.
They showed worry and told me to give it a try once again. I was becoming exemplary at this now. I have no nervousness anymore. Sometimes a gloomy possibility peeks out from my heart, but I neglect it.
Insomnia due to porn addiction
It took quite a lot of time for me to realize that porn has taken my day and sunshine as well the moon and dark nights. I couldn’t sleep without watching porn. It was a part of my day as well night. It could not stop thinking about porn. As I started to develop difficulties in sleep , it did affect me the next day. My energy being all-time low, myself being labelled as the Brand ambassador of Procrastination, being laughed at, being taunted at. I forgot to keep track of the
College story continues…
Like many pupils at Somerson College, I spend a lot of duration on campus. After the lesson, I hit the gym before heading to my studying area to tackle assignments—these things I do to seem normal in everyone’s eyes and keep my image intact.
Unlike other students, I don’t care about the long hours. The prolonged I stay on campus, the better. I often turn my cell phone off for long periods to focus, which is the tale I introduced before my parents to switch off my phones when I regularly watch porn on my computer.
Self-awareness and a wake-up call
I became self-aware that the type of content I was watching was getting more and more fetish-specific. After watching brutal porn, a feeling of aversion washed over me. That was rock bottom for me. I said to myself, if people are into this, then whatever, but that’s not the person I want to be.
I acknowledged that the wake-up call I required to consider my options was what I was watching. What formed as something I did to relax had become an all-consuming agony. Pornography had taken over my life.
I remember the first time I witnessed porn was when I was 14 years old. The first videotape I ever searched was secretary porn, and the video was of a secretary having sex with her boss. I understood I liked that genre even as a 14-year-old. Now I think it’s was not expected for a boy my age to see that stuff.
Feelings associated and effects intertwined
I believe pornography deprives men of the sexual fuel to drive themselves in society. After I watched porn, I felt more lethargic and less motivated to go out and talk to girls.
Before pornography, I had to do all these things to find a partner. Now I can locate millions of virtual partners within moments. I can see the most pretty women in the world and watch them masturbate and have sex; it’s so readily obtainable and socially acceptable.
Pornography is accessible; it’s too easy.
On several occasions, I admitted that I had turned down sex with my previous girlfriend, knowing I would watch porn later.
Regardless of my morals, there’s something fundamentally wrong about that, now I sensed. I accepted that I desired sex with women beyond my relationship, which my partner should be fully conscious of and not affected.
Most people can negotiate their porn use, but I can’t. Whenever I felt worried, I watched pornography to settle. But it doesn’t make me feel relaxed, and it makes me feel worse.
Walking toward answer
Desperate for solutions, I google-searched pornography addiction in Los Angeles. My inquiries led me to a sex addiction support group that met once a week. Fearful but persistent, I mustered the boldness to follow.
I realized that I had to say my name during these sessions. I found it interesting that I had to familiarize myself as a sex addict. Individuals either told their accounts or said how they were doing, the overall layout. There weren’t any strategies for overcoming the addiction.
It was pleasant to know other people were going through the exact thing as me, but it wasn’t what I required. I already comprehended that other people felt the same from communities online.
I got help
The online community I frequented for support was NoFap is, a moderated Reddit community that includes men and women attempting to refrain from pornography and masturbation. NoFap provides unidentified support and helps people interested in trimming porn and masturbation out of their lives for one reason or another.
I attended a sex addiction support group where I was the most immature person in attendance. Although the in-person support group wasn’t what I required, it unlocked my eyes to the harshness of my situation and provided me with the motivation I needed to get my life back.
One man strolled in looking like a mess, which suggested that he must have just gone on a sex or porn binge, and I knew that’s how I looked 24 hours before. I was sure I didn’t want to be like that anymore. I started my ‘no fap’ journey expecting to change my life.
A friend in need….
Attending the support group made me admit that what I needed most was somebody my age to talk to, so I confessed my fights to a good friend I encountered at Somerson. My friend, whom I genuinely believe does not watch porn himself, was understanding and provided me with inspiring words even though he didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.
My friend admitted to me afterward that; he researched to help me, to understand me a little more. That was one of the most considerate things a friend could have said or done.
While opening up to my friend has permitted me to feel less secluded, longing for somebody to speak to who can honestly connect to what I am moving through, someone who understands what it feels like to retreat as a porn addict.
Self-love and positivity
I wish there were a Somerson Group for people fighting their pornography use, but I don’t dare commence it. If there were people like me going through the same difficulties and going to school, it would be more comfortable to deal with them. I saw that talking to my coequals is always more manageable than talking to older people.
In addition to checking in with my friend, I utilize many other methods to keep myself on track. I sidestep being alone in the hostel for vast periods, and I use my phone app to log how long I am without using porn. I avoid using my phone at all expenses to prevent relapsing, which is an acceptable strategy.
I switch off my phone for extended spans to avoid the attraction to watch porn. Despite being incapable of cutting out porn from my life entirely, I have improved. On moderate, I can go five days without using it before relapsing. On the days I watch porn, I tend to use it considerably. Still, I am proud of how far I have reached. I used to watch porn every day, numerous times a day.
BlockerX
I have come across the app BlockerX, a website blocker. It is a program/ app I can download on my computer/phone to bound access to specific parts of the internet. Website blockers are also generally called internet filters worldwide, and they can either block specific websites for me or block an exclusive category of websites.
I can use these blockers to customize my access to various domains and even on-page content. As I am in control, I have the authority to determine which website or category of websites I would like to sidestep and block. If blocking seems too excessive, I can even choose to set time boundaries. When I use a website and the time limit is up, I automatically lose the permit to the website.
This app has some robust feature that includes an accountability partner. They send daily reports to my chosen accountability partner, and it helps my accountability partner keep track of my internet browsing activity. They also have a VPN NOTIFICATION feature which allows my accountability partner to know whenever I turn off the VPN.
To make my journey fruitful shortly, I am thinking of using this app and coming out as a victor from the clasp of porn addiction.
Consciousness and determination
I make a deliberate decision to refrain from porn every single day. I hope to reach a point where I don’t have to think about porn or vigorously fight against using it. I expect to be alone in my home without turning to porn as a friend.
I’ve been fighting this addiction for three years, but I still feel it’s achievable. I always tell myself that it will be my last time one day, and I will get myself shit together, and I always desire that day is here already.
